break free 2

How do we become a slave in love

So by now you should have read my first post in this series and identified whether you are being a slave to love in one way or another?  Or are you being the perpetrator/ heart breaker and making your partner work really hard to love you and creating a power struggle so you don’t have to be truly vulnerable and risk having your heart broken? Either way, you need to read this post!

If your answer was yes to these questions, by now your thinking thoughts like how could I be so stupid to get myself into this situation? You probably never ever imagined yourself as a person that would ever be in this situation. Stop being so hard on yourself because this is love we are talking about. Believing and allowing yourself to fall in love is not where you went wrong, I assure you!

This kind of relationship occurs when there is an imbalance. It starts with you looking for a partner for the wrong reasons. Usually to make up for a deficit in your own life and ability to love yourself. For example it could be that you are looking for someone to lean on or help you with money, business, to take you on holidays. It often occurs when you come out of one relationship and go straight into another because your looking to fill a void. Before you know it you are in a relationship that is damaging to your soul because what your soul is really craving is some self-love. As the saying goes “you can’t love someone else until you love yourself”.

The partner you attract at this point often has major insecurities and is lonely and looking to fill a void themselves. So without realising you become a slave to love them when they can’t love themselves and constantly seek their approval! You become manipulated into thinking that if you do this or that, and behave in a certain way, or lend that money then that person will eventually love you and will meet your needs in return. However, you will never get the love you deserve in return, because for true love to exist you need to be on an equal playing field and both have self-love first. Instead of being needed you are actually wanted. There is a difference!

In saying this though it is hard to say who has the most insecurities.. you or them? Obviously they have some major insecurities in that they need to dominate and control you and make you feel inferior, so they feel superior in the process. On the other hand though, if you didn’t have insecurities yourself, you would just be able to walk away! Either way, if you did not have insecurities before this relationship, you sure will afterwards, because these men and women will play them and wear them out like a set of guitar strings. Your self esteem will become so low that you will feel like they are the be all and end all, and you will never be loved ever again. If you try and end the relationship, they will twist it around to make it appear they did. They always need to have the last say and the upper hand. They want to believe that they broke your heart and you love them and are still their slave if they do change their mind.

These people will find ways to dominate and manipulate you and keep you in their control. A big one is they will make you dependent on them for something whether it be finances (and sometimes it will be that you will lend them money so then they will have upper hand), your home, work/ business, car, isolating you from friends or maybe it will be their advice because they make you feel like you don’t make good decisions on your own.

Like attracts like, so to attract that which you want you have to be that yourself. So the secret is you need to be happy, confident and completely in love with yourself to attract the right person into your life. To do this you need to create healthy boundaries and be able to identify and listen and look for the red flags and most importantly know when to walk away.

A healthy relationship is one where you both know you would be able to walk way from and still be happy and independent. It is not healthy to be dependent on your partner or feel obligated to serve your partner. True love exists when two individuals choose to be together to create a positive environment conducive to mutual growth and understanding that ultimately will empower each other to a whole new level of emotional, spiritual and intellectual development and acceptance. It is about creating a balance so both parties feel accepted, appreciated and important.

A relationship needs to be built on trust where both people feel respected, safe and secure to be fully self expressed and open to explore themselves and each other in. In saying all this every relationship is different and is subject to its own set of rules, however it needs to be created by both players and the rules agreed upon before you can come anywhere close to the mutual goal of achieving and maintaining true love. First of all both individuals need to be fit, healthy and in love with themselves before they play this game together. They need to be free and have no real baggage weighing them down and clear on their own set of rules and strategy so they can share this with each other. This takes knowing ones own strengths, limitations and boundaries. Both people need to begin on an even playing field with the same ability and desire to contribute to the team to reach their mutual goal. It needs to be understood that you both need to win in order to achieve true love. One cannot experience true love in a relationship without the other sharing it with them.

It is my belief that relationships are by far the biggest learning tool and access to personal growth and fulfillment you will ever have. They are certainly not simple but they are only as complicated as you make them. By far the most important relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. Any other relationship is just a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself. So start valuing and loving yourself first and then you will really break free of the shackles around your ankles and ready to experience TRUE LOVE.